“I want you back”

Since breaking up with Boy A almost a year ago, I have almost sent that text about a million times. Boy A was (and still could be) the love of my life. We dated for almost two years, and it felt like it was going to be forever. The love we had was straight of the movies. It was kiss-under-the-rain-while-music-plays type of love. We had our lives planned out—

— but then it all changed.

We ended up having to do distance for over a year of our relationship. And it was the type of distance you had to take a plane to visit. That was hard. Really hard. But everything was looking up. We finally moved to the same city and it seemed like it would all work out. But then he decided he wanted to go to Medical School. Boy A was/still is brilliant, so the movement he told me he was going to write his MCAT, I knew he would get into any school he wanted. So we were suddenly at a crossroad. We still had about a year left in the same city before he would go back to school. So do we still continue to date, knowing it was going to breakup since neither of us wanted to do long distance for 5 years? Or do we break up?

So we broke up, even though we were FINALLY in the same city. I tried to not think about   it for a long time, but instead fill it will dates upon dates and funny stories upon funny stories. But one day it hit me — I still was not over him. And that was the first day I wanted to send the “I want you back” but I didn’t.

Nine months later, and I think I am finally over him. He has now moved to a different city for Med School, and I have realized there might be more guys out there that are most aligned with what I want. Don’t get me wrong, everyday I still miss the cuddling. Or waking up to him telling me I’m beautiful with no makeup on. Or making dinner together. Or having someone to go along with my crazy ideas. But these months alone have taught me that you must love yourself before you can fully give yourself to someone. And that’s a road I am still trying to get to, so I am happy I have had these months to grow –and break — and grow again.

But I still want to text him.

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The Reason

Rupi Kaur always puts it best. This blog is part of my healing — and growing — from the boys that take a little part of me each time they depart from my life. This blog will explore all the texts that I almost reach for my phone to send, but luckily don’t. Each time one of these texts are not sent, I gain a little bit of me back. And I really do need that. So thank you for being a part of my journey of healing. Sit back, relax, and enjoy the show…

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